Wednesday, February 14, 2007

a heart full of love. and butter.

Happy Lonely Consumer Victimization Day! The media outlets are abuzz with romantic tips, tricks and recipes to help you rope and wrangle the object of your desire. For its part, The Washington Post Food section offers a recipe for Man-Catcher Brownies (as tested, tasted and lovingly refined by staff writer Leigh Lambert).

It's a pretty basic concoction that produces twenty-four 2-inch blocks of fudgy goodness. Delicious, I'm sure -- if only I could get past the first ingredient: 12 ounces (3 sticks) of unsalted butter.

I e-mailed the page link to a girlfriend along with my commentary: "I fail to see how a recipe that calls for three sticks of butter could possibly help one catch a man."

"Um, I beg to differ," she wrote back. "Men LOVE LOVE LOVE butter."

"Sure -- in baked goods, not women. Unless you count bare breasts slathered with brownie batter. (What, you think they'd rather lick the bowl?) I guess Man-Catcher Brownies are meant to be given, not shared."

When I watch the Barefoot Contessa dump pounds of butter into her pots and mixing bowls it makes me wretch a little. I'm not sure who's been brainwashed -- she or me. Probably me... though I wouldn't be shocked to find Ina's Amazing Arteries in the cookbook aisle at Borders. Keep it up, Ina, and you might expire before your next batch of scones. (Man, I'll bet her shiva would be catered to the nines...)

But in the sage words of the prophet Woody, "The heart wants what it wants." Ina's heart wants fresh butter. Mine wants a little fresh air, so I've declared a moratorium on romance today. Dating is fun but for now, still basking in that just-out-of-prison glow, I need to keep things light. (My motto of late: "I ain't goin' back inside -- not for you, not for anybody!")

And now, since my office is closed and my neighborhood has finally been plowed, I'm going to express my abiding love for cashmere at the Bloomingdale's V-Day sale.

Ardor, chocolate, sweaters, sex... May you find and savor the thing that most floats your boat.



Ulysses said...

You're so unpredictable: just as I was about to stop by with some brownies, wish you a Happy Hallmark Holiday...

Velvet said...

The boy came over with chocolate and I said, "Uh, you know I didn't get you anything right?" I just don't care enough about a holiday to express my love when I do it every damn day of the year. Bah.

Bloomingdales...there's something I can totally get behind. What ya get?

Anonymous said...

Your words are the first, only and last thing that brought smile to my face today. I feel like going to sleep right now, at 6:00 pm.

East-West Girl said...

In homage to my dearly departed Polish grandmother who was 4"11', 89 lbs. and ate butter with reckless abandon, I will gladly and openly declare my love for butter. She was also over 200 lbs when she first met my grandfather in their little village before The War. To the day of his death, my grandfather declared that when he met her, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She had something to hold on to. The whole village envied her.

Melt some butter and throw in chopped onion and you've got me. Put butter in cookies, mix it with chocolate, use it to fry up slices of ham and put it on buttered toast. I'm yours.

Butter and Valentines day go hand in hand, I think. That sort of glorious revel in the shiny, indulgent, blissful, and (emotionally or physically) fattening things in life, even if we can't or won't have them.

Happy Valentines Day. ;)

I-66 said...

Happy Valentine's Day, Rojita.

Bittersweet Confusion said...

The Boyfriend purposely didn't get me chocolates this year... he got me DVDs... Just as enjoyable... 100% Fat free... Gotta love him!

Old Lady said...

My motto-accept no substitute for butter, sugar, cream. Imagine all the women that passed up dessert on the Titanic! Really, eat and enjoy the real thing, moderation is the key.

East-West Girl said...

Here here, Old Lady! Carpe Diem! But of course, as you said, all in moderation.

Barbara said...

I just made chocolate chip cookies for an oneg kiddush tomorrow. The recipe called for a mere 2 sticks of butter. Knowing how much butter and sugar is in those little beauties might make it impossible for me to eat even one. Why are the best things so BAD for you?

Reya Mellicker said...

Wow, that'a lot of butter. And I love butter, but please! Three sticks?

Even less appetizing is the concept of "man catching." Yuck.

always write said...

Tell me about it, Reya; Not only do you have to touch the slimy stuff to snag one, there's all that squirming and biting when you try to take the hook out of his mouth. This is why I shop online -- quality is hit or miss, but it's a lot less messy ;)

Phil said...

You are a sick woman! Butter is fantastic (and as you implied, can be used for multiple purposes).

Margarine sucks!

Anonymous said...

Yuck! I can't imagine using all that, although, they might not stick to the pan! Thay'd glide out!

Gotta have real butter on Corn on the Cob and popcorn though!

Golden Silence said...

I've heard of recipes with two sticks of butter...but three is really pushing the envelope.

You know how you can alter a recipe's ingredients...maybe you can do it with that.

Butter aside, I doubt I'll be able to "catch a man" with these brownies. But at least I'll have a nice treat to devour!