Thursday, January 18, 2007

have you met my boyfriend?

I know this guy -- a close friend, actually -- who's rather in touch with his intuition. He likes to interpret his dreams. All of them. There was a period several years ago when he would call me each and every morning with a elaborate account of the goings on in dreamland the night before, asking me to decipher the meaning in flaming midgets or the color puce as they pertained to his fate. Finally I bought him a dream interpretation book at my local head shop so he might learn to figure things out on his own.

And I created a monster. A monster with a journal by his bed and a 'clairvoyant' confidence so inflated it threatens to burst at any time. His favorite joke: "I'm so good at divining the future... I can do it in my sleep!" Har. Har. Haaaaaaarrrrrr.

A couple weeks ago, just after the new year began, my friend sent me this e-mail:

"The other night I had a dream about you, and in it I learned that in 2007 you will come to date a young man named James. I believe James is slightly younger than you (but not scandalously so), he is Jewish, with dark brown hair that is somewhat more than wavy and somewhat less than curly. His hair is a bit unkempt and his bangs sometimes hang over his eyes. James is about six feet tall and lanky and I believe excelled at an alternative sport, perhaps ultimate frisbee. James often does not shave for a day or two, in the fashionable way of young men in their late 20's, and he can present himself thusly at his job (yes, he's employed), which I presume but did not clearly see must be a non-profit organization. Here's the kicker: James is French, or of French descent.

"So, you're all set."

I replied:

"Non-profit, you say? I hope James has le trust fund, 'cause baby likes her Neiman's -- and none of that after-season sale business either ;)

(A joke, of course. I have never visited Neiman Marcus, except to use the bathroom once. But I did buy a winter coat for $16 last week at Old Navy (where they probably know me by name) and I've been telling everyone in town about my great big bargain ever since.)

"Thank you for this glimpse into my future -- I hope it proves more accurate than your premonition last June in which G and I lived happily ever after. I'll allow for some margin of error this time and try to muster optimism for suitors with any and all foreign accents, and names that begin with the letter J."

So I'm putting out an A.P.B. for my dream guy, hatched by the psyche of someone who knows me at least as well as I know myself. That may be even better than a dream of my own.

Tall. Dark. Foreign. Five-o'clock shadow and frisbee in hand. If you see him, kindly send him my way.


Old Lady said...

That is so detailed! I worked with a fella once who was told by a Brazilian fortune teller that he was going to marry a woman with a specific name (which I cannot remember). He thinks he got it right on the 3rd one and married her.

Anonymous said...

Holding strictly to the interpretive criteria of Freud’s The Interpretation of Dreams the description of “James” paints a wholly dissimilar portrait. “James” – barring any hypnotic or free-associative dilution of the original dream – is far more likely to be, in fact, older, but too not scandalously so, with straight hair (possibly elegantly mingled with grey), and well groomed, with an almost English gentleman’s air. His height – taking into account again both the withdrawal from reality and cessation of meta-psychical responsiveness of the dream – is no doubt off by three inches, maybe four. He is clearly shorter. Though he may have excelled at sports as a young man I strongly suspect that “James” is now concerned more with the fineries of music and theater (and yet still with an exceptional sense of humor; he probably loves Family Guy, e.g.). Lastly, French? No. French a metaphorical irony, a juxtaposition to the concrete figure in the dream. “James” (whose name I suspect begins with a letter found downstream in the alphabet – like an R or an S) is, as one would expect in a nonrepresentational dream, an American Jew.

always write said...

Eh, tomato/tomate.

Barbara said...

I'll be on the lookout for this James guy, who may really have another name. I'm sure he's out there somewhere, one of just a few American Jews. I love dreams. They make ANYTHING possible!

Velvet said...

I think I may know a James. I'll be sending every James I can get my sick* little hands on your way.

*Sick as in, coughing and hacking, not in an x-rated, sick way.