Just when you thought I'd exhausted the topic: More about breasts!
In this issue of Boobie Digest: My Very First Mammogram.
There's something in my breast. A lump -- I guess everything subcutaneous is a lump until you take a look inside. It's rather large (as breast lumps go) and a bit painful, which is a good indication that it's the kind of something that's nothing, as opposed to the kind of something that's something.
I'm not too worried... but I am curious. What could it be? The missing tophat from my first Monopoly game? That jujube that vanished into the couch? A fragment of an old broken heart?
Jimmy Hoffa's pinky ring?
I consulted my best friend on the matter, and she returned an impressive list of possible diagnoses, including: tears not shed; your virginity; the popularity neither of us found in junior high; sushi; the Lost Tribe of Israel; and (my personal favorite) "Maybe that's where your socks go when they disappear in the dryer."
All helpful, but still I'd like to open up the floor: Anyone want to hazard a guess? Come on, it'll be fun! Guess the Lump, all entries due by 9:00 a.m. this Friday, an hour before I see the radiologist. Maybe I'll even get Dionne Warwick on the line, just for shits and giggles.
Oh, don't look so horrified. You gotta have a sense of humor about these things! We all have to take our lumps now and then. You've got four days; now make with the funny stuff and help me take mine.