Tuesday, June 06, 2006

taking my lumps

Just when you thought I'd exhausted the topic: More about breasts!

In this issue of Boobie Digest: My Very First Mammogram.

There's something in my breast. A lump -- I guess everything subcutaneous is a lump until you take a look inside. It's rather large (as breast lumps go) and a bit painful, which is a good indication that it's the kind of something that's nothing, as opposed to the kind of something that's something.

I'm not too worried... but I am curious. What could it be? The missing tophat from my first Monopoly game? That jujube that vanished into the couch? A fragment of an old broken heart?

Jimmy Hoffa's pinky ring?


Hairball?

I consulted my best friend on the matter, and she returned an impressive list of possible diagnoses, including: tears not shed; your virginity; the popularity neither of us found in junior high; sushi; the Lost Tribe of Israel; and (my personal favorite) "Maybe that's where your socks go when they disappear in the dryer."

All helpful, but still I'd like to open up the floor: Anyone want to hazard a guess? Come on, it'll be fun! Guess the Lump, all entries due by 9:00 a.m. this Friday, an hour before I see the radiologist. Maybe I'll even get Dionne Warwick on the line, just for shits and giggles.

Oh, don't look so horrified. You gotta have a sense of humor about these things! We all have to take our lumps now and then. You've got four days; now make with the funny stuff and help me take mine.

14 comments:

Cancer Sucks! said...
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Anonymous said...

Gerbil poop.

ejtakeslife said...

That's where my missing pillowcases went!

In all seriousness, I hope you're okay.

Keith said...

A Skittle. (Hope everything's all right.)

Paige Jennifer said...

If you tell me you've found my long lost and most favorite pair of sunglasses,I just might cry.

By the way, I've had two mammograms and without fail, knocked my head into the machine with each and every smile-for-the-camera effort. No learning curve with this gal.

Hope everything is fine...

SMR said...

A new colony of Smurfs, the tip of Cupid's arrow, Passover brisket?

Bubbala, you'll be fine. :)

Love ya,
Steve

Anonymous said...

It's that scream you choke back every time somebody in this city does something selfish at your expense. It's lucky for you you've got an outlet, otherwise you'd be due for another reduction. If they aspirate it, cover your ears.
Your boyfriend (the doctor? score!) might prefer if you sit on those comments from now on.

Barbara said...

Mammograms are no fun, but it's such a relief when they are over! No female would have ever designed so tortuous a machine as the "compressor". I've dealt with lumps for years that always turned out to be filled with fluid. Unfortunately they often come back after aspiration. Good luck on Friday.

Sheri said...

It's a cyst. Nothing funny - simply that.

That's what mine was, when I got my results last Thursday.

Hope you're okay.

Lior said...

Carmen Sandiego.

Anonymous said...

Mammogram... You walk in with perky breasts and walk out with French crepes... and hate that sweet woman with a mean machine that smiled at you ... The comment saying it might be a cyst... is most likely to be true... Cysts often turn big and painful ... and often go away themselves... and in the other cases go away with doctor’s help... like elsewhere in our body, and give us a lot to think about, give us whole new world and perspective

If it is not a cyst... it is your “twin” (like the line from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, with a tiny spine, head etc.), or a new universe settling in the most unusual place... or a painful letter you swallowed once and never digested.... or doctors forgot a surgery tool, key chain... or little something during your previous surgery...

However... now we think about you and a lump too. Women meet in various clubs... like... J’s Club... Lump’s Club... and sometimes we stick together, no matter what got us there.

“You, D. will be okay,” is written in my book.

Paper Doll

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...
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East-West Girl said...

perhaps its a lovely lady lump??

oh no, i just referenced that horrible black eyed peas song.

ok, you asked, so that's what came to mind...

seriously, though, I hope you're A-OK. sending my good thoughts and wishes, with miss-es (as in miss you!) from the west coast.