Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Bless me, Bloggers, for I am pinned. Suffocating beneath the weight of a looming panic attack. It's been four weeks since my last menstruation.

I know I should not let my hormones rule me, that I'm supposed to keep my urges in check, but it's overwhelming, Bloggers, and I don't think I can stifle the impulse to curl up and sob much longer. Just for a moment. That's all I need. If indulging in such a sweet release is a sin then let me be guilty. I'll pay my penance later.

In the last four weeks I have been good to myself. Eaten well, exercised a lot, cultivated some cherished new friendships -- one in particular that's illuminated corners of my intellect I'd almost forgotten were there. It's been a happy month, Bloggers, at a time of year when even happy days are scarce. Except, of course, on cable. I didn't realize how good I felt until I started feeling bad. I took happiness for granted and now I feel badly about that, too.

Around quittin' time yesterday my gut began to sink. By dinnertime my chest was growing tight. I climbed into bed early, breath shallow, mind racing at breakneck speed. I even took some NyQuil to knock me out -- a desperate measure, I know, since I'm loathe to take medicine even when I need it -- but still I was up three times before dawn. (Actually that could have been the tea.) By the time my alarm came to life at 6:45 my brain had been up for an hour. Roused, apparently, by my heart, which was pounding against my ribs. "Nice of you to join us, lazy bones," the two of them scowled at my puffy reflection. "Now go wash your face, you look like shit."

Seven hours later my ticker is still thumping. Needless to say I can't concentrate on much besides breathing deep and slow; if I turn my attention the wave of panic might hit shore. It's time to leave the office, I think.

Blog, grant me the strength to soothe my restless mind so I may sleep in peace, wake with a smile and revel in the joys I'm so fortunate to encounter from day to day. I have faith that this will all blow over in a couple days. It always does. It almost always does. In the meantime it helps to unburden myself to you, Bloggers. You are always there, simply to listen and not to judge such a self-indulgent pity party as this one. Thank you for that; I'm feeling better already.

18 comments:

Kayla said...

Go home IMMEDIATELY. In addition, take tomorrow off. The last place you need to be is at work!! I will entertain the yenta's here.

I have Vitamuffin tops, FF frozen yogurt and movies (lots of them) on hand... call me if you need supplies or company.

I-66 said...

No judging...

In fact, I'm currently investigating the possibilities of ear enlargements so I can listen more :)

...sadly, using the word "enlargement" in any googling capacity can only lead to one inevitable result.

Rothko said...

It's a favorite pastime of mine to worry about all things having to do with my health, so I sympathize whole-heartedly with what it feels like to live under a looming panic attack because of something occurring or, in this case, not occurring. Of course, I've never had to worry about this particular thing before when it comes to myself, so I'm glad to do it here with and for you. Stay positive!

B.Ro said...

I am just a random reader but I had to comment since I'm going through THE EXACT SAME THING right at this very moment. Period about to start, check. Lethargy, check. Early morning heart racing, check. Looming sense of panic, doublecheck.

I feel better knowing I'm not alone.

Washington Cube said...

Put down the Nyquil. Now. Be well soon.

Kristin said...

Thinking about you and wishing you calming, happy thoughts.

East-West Girl said...

Yes, rest and lots of yummy food always help. I find warm baths with cups of herbal tea very soothing at moments like this.

A book on nutrition that I own has a feature on Fennel - it says that it's often used to hasten menstruation and help regulate it, so at those times, teas (from whole foods) or candies (from the Indian grocer, usually) with fennel are my drink/snack of choice. My mom also once told me that taking two asprin a day the week you're supposed to start helps hasten the arrival, as asprin thins the blood.

Who knows, maybe they're both bubbemeisers. But either way, feel better!! With a giant hug...

Anonymous said...

sleep without underwear. wear white pants tomorrow. or make sure there are no feminine hygiene products in your purse. that always seems to work for me.

~rosie

Barbara said...

Hormones SUCK! Why is it that men are spared this monthly roller coaster?

RoarSavage said...

Aaaw, I'm sending you warm, fuzzy vibes.
Deep breath. Serenity now... hehe.

Larissa said...

sending hugs, feel better babe

Gordon said...

You need another copy of Allure to cheer yourself up. Don't forget to share your findings. Oh and I'm sure those 56% are lying, we're never happy -;)

Big Sis said...

"Bless me, Bloggers, for I am pinned."
Punny!

barbara, be gentle on men. Testosterone causes them to greet each day at mach 3 with their hair on fire. At least the ones that can get off the tarmac that is.

always write said...

Please don't hold the pun against me... I know it's the lowest form of humor but I was having an off day!

Phil said...

Glad I am not a woman.

rebecca_knox said...

Couldn't have said it better myself. Exactly what I'm thinking right now. Men: This is more prevalent than you think.

Kind regards,

RK

Deblogger said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I was not there to hold your hand and tell you how much I was about to love you in the not too distant future.


G.