Tuesday, February 14, 2006

love me, Simple, love me true

If you'll indulge me a moment, I'd like to discuss "The Bachelor" without admitting that I actually watched it last night. If you cannot suspend your disbelief, kindly dismiss my vulgar taste in entertainment as an act of desperation, committed in the absence of cable TV.

1. Is Valtrex a sponsor of this program? No? They should be. All that tonsil hockey, overnight dates in the Fantasy Suite... Only one of those lucky ladies will win the Bachelor's heart, but I have a feeling a little bit of Travis is going home with each of them.

2. I suspect that landing a spot on this show is not unlike boarding the kiddie coaster at Six Flags: If your noggin falls above the line you're not allowed to ride. There is an exception, though; every season one crazy fox slips past the maximum-IQ rule and works the entire mansion into a tizzy with her claws-out confrontation skills, overconfident sexuality and other assorted shenanigans. She's the sort of nutjob I'd just as soon ignore, but the other girls practically invite her to crawl under their skin. The whole experience looks like a psychological stress test gone awry. Oh well, I'm sure the producers know what they're doing. Only a heartless beast would think of ratings when true love is on the line.

3. If I took a sip of beer every time someone uttered the word "amazing" in a single episode, I would expire from alcohol poisoning by the second commercial break. "He's such an amazing guy." "This elimination is amazingly hard, you're all such amazing women." "Our first kiss: so. amazing." "It's really amazing how fast this cold sore erupted, but I'm still totally glad I came on the show. The opportunity to be part of this all was... in a word, amazing." You poor simpletons, what's amazing is that you manage to place your shoes on the correct feet each day. It's a good thing you're pretty. (You too, boys.) Go to Border's and buy yourself a thesaurus. A thesaurus. T-h-e-s-a-u-r-u-s. No, they're not extinct, it's a book of synonyms. S-y-n-o... *Sigh.* Never mind.

16 comments:

I-66 said...

Always Write is an amazing writer.

Have an amazing Valentine's Day, Rojita.

Phil said...

Spot on.

My brother in law contends the Bachelor is nothing but a fellatio contest.

And of course, the crazier the women, the better the show.

industry whore said...

All reality show contestants are extensively tested for STDs, including herpes. I have heard that at least half of The Bachelor contestants get eliminated that way.

Nicole said...

Now, now, they say "wow" alot too. Not that I actually watched last night...

Washington Cube said...

Happy Valentine's Day To An Amazing Writer.

Regarding "taking a sip": the year that Leaving Las Vegas came out, a film where Nicholas Cage drinks himself to death, I met a friend on a pouring down rain Thanksgiving night at the Dupont Circle theatre. He had a leather briefcase with him.

Once seated, he popped the case open, and it was traveling bar, complete with silver flasks and tiny silver cups. Every time Cage had a drink, we had a drink..and it was rye, so it was reeking throughout the theatre. Naturally, at some course during this pursuit, we started giggling uncontrollably, too, and by the time we left, we were good and tipsy. I'm surprised they didn't kick our asses out on a rain-soaked curb. Good times.

Velvet said...

Aah. Snark from my girl. Awesome.

I dated a man who overused the "amazing" word. It also turned out he was an amazing liar.

I like Industry Whore's comment - uh, did you try out for a show??? Come on! You can tell us!

Tigre said...

Very well said. I don't really like watching reality on TV cause i'm too busy living it.

Duh-mension said...

Good stuff. You're one of my favs!

Janet said...

Blame the people writing the scripts.

Kayla said...

I love The Bachelor... and I have a little bit of juice on Travis that I won't share.... It's funny that everyone bitches about it, but everyone seems to know EXACTLY what happened on the show... "Reality TV is trash.. OMG, I can't believe what Trish said last night! Slut!" I am so going to call my booty calls 'overnight dates' now... or... wait, aren't they called the 'exotic date' now or something?!

I wish they would bring back Temptation Island.. now there was a show ;) not that I ever watched it or anything.

I-66 said...

Temptation Island was awesome.

Uh... I didn't watch either.

Barbara said...

Most of America is absolutely hooked on these shows. I think it's because they live vicariously through these actors and actresses who probably couldn't even spell the word AMAZING!

Reya Mellicker said...

I like reading your description of this show far more than trying to sit still long enough to watch the real thing. Amazing!

Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

I echo Reya. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than watch, but the recaps are hilarious. I mean, amazing.

The Daily Rant said...

Since I'm not on the road for the past two weeks, I actually caught The Bachelor this week. I can't tear myself away and I can't even IMAGINE what these guys see in these women. Funny thing - my cousin is a producer on that show (he actually appeared in one of the episodes - can't say which one!) and from what I hear, these girls are HEAD cases. Sad, sad thing when a good looking DOCTOR has to go on a TV show to find a date.

Amazing. LOL

Phil said...

Temptation Island was great, but give me "Love Cruise" and "Paradise Hotel".... Toni is the best reality show personality ever.


And Kayla, why not share? Travis doesn't read this..