Wednesday, January 18, 2006

rants, raves and a river in Egypt

Lunchtime, Wednesday, January 18, 2006: Building on last evening's post, I'm declaring this Rant Week here at Always Write. Every day this week -- which is that week, in case you hadn't noticed -- I will deliver a fresh tirade on an arbitrary topic. At least I'll try; this week (again, that week) I tend to be lazy. Just know that Bitcherella is reporting until Mary Sunshine returns. And don't knock me for being cranky -- at least I'm trying to harness the creative power of my horrormones.

Today's disgust is inspired by the big brains at Fox Broadcasting Company.

I'd like to think that if I had cable TV I would not have succumbed to that wasting disease called "American Idol" last night. Jesus, what a freak show. I couldn't look away.

My favorite characters are those not content to embarrass themselves in a musical fashion, or even in a fashion fashion. There is no such thing as bad publicity here; it takes a tantrum to make damned sure, for better or for worse, that America never forgets the name... uh... you know, they all looked the same to me. One by one they stumble from the audition room, eyes moist and lips trembling, and play to the camera one last time: "But everyone tells me how amazing my voice is!" "You people don't know what talent is." "When I'm famous, y'all ain't invited to my show." And the one I never tire of, "Fuck you, Simon!" And then comes the thrashing. The swearing. The choking, hiccuping tears. It's as if these young hopefuls have just learned a cherished pet was creamed by a speeding bus outside. Only that pet is a dream of stardom. And that bus is reality. Climb on board, kiddies, or be run down.

I blame the mothers. (I know, I always blame the mothers.) Those omnipresent stage moms in their stirrup pants and Bedazzled sweaters, pacing anxiously outside the audition like expectant new fathers in a hospital waiting room. "We done spent all Lurlene's college money to fly out here from Shitsville, but we made it. And now I'm here to watch my baby rise and shine like the star she is. This is it! I can feel it! She's gonna go all the way this time!" We should all be so sure of something at some time in our lives. No wonder Mama looks so shocked when her songbird is spat without ceremony through the doors of the inner sanctum. But come on. She wailed and flailed as if under a voodoo spell and yet you encouraged her to "keep on singin', baby, somebody gonna discover you 'ventually." Shame on you, stage mothers. You pump your talentless children full of false, unflinching confidence and send them careening into televised humiliation like lemmings into the sea. Oh, the humanity!

I will say this, though: It took a few years, but that Seacrest boy is starting to grow on me.


Merujo said...

Last season, there was a home-grown freak on American Idol named "Mary Roach." She was psychotic, I swear. Since then, I've run into her once, and a friend ran into her just last week at a stout tasting at Whole Foods. These people are terrifying on screen, but even more so in person.

I love a good rant. I haven't been ranting much on my blog - this week, all my craziness and vitriol has been saved for personal e-mail. I may have to write a rant tonight...

playfulinnc said...

I appreciate my parents for pushing me to have education so that when I fal on my butt, I have something else to do.

It breaks my heart to watch this show...these sad sad creatures with a blind, narrow view of self worth.

playfulinnc said...

That should be fall, btw.

Why did I fire my editor?

Velvet said...

I watched it too, but I don't even watch any prime time tv, I was just too lazy to turn it off. All of tv reality shows are for the birds.

Hot + Gay = Ryan Seacrest.

The Daily Rant said...

I love American Idol, but I'm with you about the mothers. I really really really want to know WHO tells these people they have any talent what-so-ever? It's really extremely unfair to be led astray like that.

I didn't get to watch last night, which I would have done by choice, because I was on the road. Sorry you were subject to watching crap you don't like. lol

But I have to say....I love Simon and Seacrest isn't that bad either.

If I were a judge, I would be Simon. I like the tell-it-like-it-is approach.

Anonymous said...

Some of us chose to watch "The War That Made America" on PBS. High quality reenactments of the French and Indian War (1754-1763) hosted by Graham Greene.


Okay, okay...some of us also snuck a peak at the Yankees bike repeat of "American Chopper." Which, btw, takes place in upstate New York. Meaning it's related to the PBS show. Sorta.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I misspelled peek.

I-66 said...

Didn't see this until this morning. That week, huh? Wouldn't've known it.

Larissa said...

oh no! not the Seacrest! Fight it as long as you can ;-). Great meeting you last night.

Andy Hunter said...

I for one, blame the Disney channel, which has been churning out very rich and very famous talentless coke-whores and coke man-whores for years now. What could instill more false hope than successful Mousketeers?