Tuesday, January 17, 2006

cookie push

You love your kid, and I get that. It's a beautiful thing. Really. I understand your desire to watch your baby girl grow into a winner, to see her come out on top, though of course you'll adore her even if she doesn't.

But please, I'm begging you, get off my case with those goddamned Girl Scout cookies.

You offered, I declined. "I know they're delicious, but I don't keep cookies in my house." That should have been the end of it; that should have been enough to pull me out of the drop-by rotation and off the distribution list.

But today it continued: "Subject: Help Lucy stay the top cookie seller in Brownie Troop 1685!"

It was kind of you attach the order form for my convenience. But I take my fats unhydrogenated, and I'm still not interested in buying any cookies.

Surprising me in my office will not change my mind.

"The lemon ones are low in fat!" They're still junkfood.

"Randi bought three boxes!" Randi could eat five.

"Buy them for a gift, then!" Nobody I know eats this dreck.

"Just a couple boxes of Do-si-dos! I know you love your peanut butter..."

Don't pretend you haven't seen me trudging out of the office in my running shoes every night for months. You know how hard I worked to lose those 12 pounds, how determined I am to lose eight more. What you're doing here? It's like pushing blow on an addict. There's a special place in Hell for people who prey on the weak and vulnerable. Especially those who do it on behalf of their kids. Does it make you feel good to know you'll be spending the afterlife with ambulance chasers and slumlords? No? Well, it tickles me pink.

13 comments:

playfulinnc said...

Hahaha. Now, after meeting you, I wish I could hear you say things with this much...bile.
:)
Often, the theatres provide breakfast for us, and all they think to order are donuts. Donuts this, donuts that...OMG.

I-66 said...

mmm... donuts.

Feisty you today.

More so than usual.

twosox said...

I wrote an essay back (waaaayyy back) in college about a new circle of hell, where the addicts and pushers ended up.

Something about chains and endless torture.... oh, and cookies, too.

Barbara said...

The latest in my office next to the microwave is a cookie sign-up sheet featuring the picture of a cute little oriental girl Vivian, who says "Even if you don't eat them, please buy a box for the soldiers recovering in the hospital." That did it, I couldn't resist. I no longer had a reason not to buy...

Reya Mellicker said...

If only Girl Scout cookies were good, but they're awful. I can eat a few of the thin mint chocolate cookies, but it's inevitable that even as few as three of them will give me a stomach ache.

El Guapo in DC said...

The girl scouts are worse than the crack dealers in mi barrio. Their mothers are like the pimps. Increible!

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Paulo said...

Ha!

SMR said...

Girl scout cookies terrible? That's blasphemy!! I like to think of them as chocolate covered sex. Sometimes with coconut.

Thank god my wife is a teacher or I'd have to be the creepy looking guy non-parent in the parking lot of the school, looking for the girls in uniform that deliver the goods...

And I don't know if they have this back on the east coast, but Dryer's (I believe back there it's called Edy's) ice cream, when the cookies go on sale, have the cookies mixed into the ice-cream sold in half-gallon cartons of love.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know how bad they are for me. I know I should lose a few pounds to begin with, and the cookies aren't helping. But my wife and I are usually pretty good - we go to the gym - but being married helps me enjoy them without guilt. Because my wife and I know that the few extra pounds are just more to love, and if you constantly deprieve yourself of things you love, well, I kinda start to wonder what the point of living so healthy is, if you're gonna be miserable doing it...

Now, this is not an essay on how to live your life, and I know not everyone loves GSC's... and yes, the parents who push them on you when you say NO, well that just sucks...

But SOMEONE'S gotta stick up for those Samoas and Tagalongs, dammit! How odd, with all of D's witty, insightful posts, it's a bunch of sugar, fat and calories that makes me step up to the proverbial plate. Yikes, that's either really sad or really funny....

always write said...

Everybody's got a trigger, SMR ;)

Oh -- full disclosure: My Dad totally sold cookies for me at the office when I was little. But to be fair, he was motivated not by competitiveness but by compassion, as I was entirely too shy to ring doorbells and a final tally of zero boxes sold would surely have seen me expelled from the Brownies that year.

Neil said...

You'd think the girl scouts would have updated their merchandising to something more current, like fruit smoothies.

Claire said...

dreck? I'm with SMR. I don't care for all of their cookies, but the ones I like are tasty goodness.

Of course if they did switch to fruit smoothies, I'd truly be hooked.

'Mazing Amy said...

bring on the thin mints (frozen of course) and those chocolate peanut butter little round pieces of heavenly fat! lol

Snowflake Chaser said...

Thank god I no longer face that pressure. I don't think I could handle continued pressure to consume more and more thin mints. The time before last I gave in, I bought 3 boxes, and then 2 last time. But no longer. Instead, in my current office, they just bring in lemon bars and peach pie all the time. Offices can be evil...