Sunday, December 04, 2005

I've got my muvs to keep me warm

Several months ago my mother joined a local choral group -- a mixed bag of Washingtonians of all ages, walks of life and levels of... ability, united by their common love of song. Mom has been working hard to rope me into singing with them; So far I've resisted a variety of tactics including bribery ("I'll take you shopping after rehearsal..."), threats ("If you're too busy to sing with me once a week then maybe my laundry machines will be too busy to wash your clothes next weekend."), and guilt ("But there's another young woman who comes with her parents -- you're letting us all down!").

Joining wasn't going to happen but I did have an opportunity to listen yesterday afternoon, when the group sang an all-Haydn program at the First Baptist Church on 16th Street. Since I'd never been to a Baptist church or seen this chorus perform, I imagined my tiny blonde mother, clad in a satin robe, clapping enthusiastically like Forrest Gump amidst a throng of black gospel singers. (Once inside I realized I'd been way off base, but still I've tucked the mental picture away for future amusement.)

The rest of my family arrived a few minutes into the first number. My sister plopped down beside me in the polished wooden pew; I was happy to see her so I said a silent "hello" by tilting my head onto her shoulder, where I promptly fell asleep until intermission. A smarter girl would have left time to swing by Starbucks on the way to the church after running out of French Roast that morning. (I'm crippled without my second cup.) Or failing that, I might have spared a moment to pencil green irises on my eyelids so I could snooze through the concert unnoticed. But as usual, I didn't think ahead. (Mom, I was listening, and you sang beautifully. Please stop crying.)

After the performance, as we bundled back into our warm things, my brother looked down at my hands and asked, "What... are those?"

"I'm not sure if they have a name," I said. "I was thinking maybe glittens or muvs, or pawpaws... maybe camel toes? Oh -- no, scratch that one. Shut up, it's not that funny. Lately I've been calling them splittens."

"I see," he said, pressing his lips together.

I continued, "They're warm like mittens, but they allow a little more dexterity -- it's tough to a work an iPod with your all your fingers stuck together. Plus these match my new favorite hat."

My brother looked them over, nodding thoughtfully as he inspected my hands. After a long pause he said, "Interesting design. As far as I can see there's only one drawback." To which I raised my eyebrows -- Yes, and what is that?

"You look completely retarded."

"Josh, that's not true, don't tell her that," my father scolded. Always my hero. "She looks more like a circus freak. Like that Lobster Man we saw on The Learning Channel."

My brother shot me a wicked grin and sneered, "While we're on the subject... Well, I think you ought to be told there's a fuzzy tumor growing out of your head."

24 comments:

Chairborne Stranger said...

I think they're just lovely! And so many names for them, too.

Snowflake Chaser said...

how about smittens? since you like them so much. they really are adorable. i just wish it were cold enough where i am to wear any sort of winter accessory! keep wearing them for me and I'll be happy that at least someone can :)

The Daily Rant said...

Aren't brothers just fantastic? I can always count on my own brother to tell me I look retarded. And just when I thought I had found the coolest, latest, chicest item....he brings me back to earth. Lovely.

Claire said...

Vulcan greeting mitts? Live long and prosper gloves?

I suppose that wouldn't help the coolness cause though... ;]

Paulo said...

Lawd, lawd, lawd: your family is sooo much funnier than mine.

"Laundry machines too busy"
"Drawback... retarded."

I'm still laughing.

Tell your mom that I'll sing in the choir with her if she adopts me (and takes me shopping). This way, I might osmotically become funnier.

Anonymous said...

you know ... I swear I saw mom in her 20's ;) when I looked at that photo of you (whether you like it or not).

industry whore said...

they scare me a tiny bit. they remind me of lobster claws. i'm sure you work them well, though. i love the hat.

Merujo said...

Those mitten-y creatures are hilarious! I'm going to think of them as "Zoidbergs" for the lobster-like Dr. Zoidberg of "Futurama."

Love the hat, by the way. I love cool knitted winter thingies. :-)

the deal said...

cute post, no matter what those things are.

Lior said...

Actually, you hit it on the mark, that design is in fact called the "lobster claw". I use a similar design for surfing.

Robster craw. Tee hee heeheheheheheh.

I-66 said...

do you wear the individual toe socks too?

always write said...

I do have one pair of toe socks, which I tried to wear around the house as slippers but they're really uncomfortable.

Industry: Honestly, I bought them for the novelty factor, but I find them increasingly disturbing with each wearing. They may be destined for Goodwill.

"Anonymous": Mom in her 20s? I'll take that. She was a knockout in those days, before we turned her into a crazy person.

Paulo: Be careful what you wish for.

Heather B. said...

where'd you get them from?? They're pretty cool.

Berry-licious said...

I've been on a search for glittens actually. I was kinda picturing a glove structure with individual finger slots, but a mitten like top to go over the fingertips, which one should be able to open in order to have full use of the fingers when needed.

TB said...

Oh my gosh, I have Glittens too. Well, they're not exactly like yours, but that's what I call them. Mine have glove fingers that are cut off halfway up and then a flip top mitten that covers them up. You can flip it up if you need your fingers for anything. I LOVE my glittens.

Dennis! said...

Ok, I saw the pic and seriously my first thought was "camel toe." Gotta go with your first instinct, I'd say.

Washington Cube said...

Cute hat, but the glitten, smitten mittens are...eh...deforming.

always write said...

Well that tears it! Cube is my litmus test for style. If she doesn't like the splittens, they go.

Washington Cube said...

Don't listen to me. If you think they are cute, if they are cozy, or make you happy, for God's sake keep them. You said they match your hat, and it's a very nice hat. It's what you want that's important. I'm just some stranger spewing out nonsense into the cyber ether.

Kayla said...

I cannot believe you left the FUNNIEST comment you made to me about these things... When riding the elevator (with several other unknowns) you said to me "I have a hole in my crotch (while staring at the split in the splittins... long pause.... quick glance at me, holding back laughter...) of my mittens"...

I had the same visual of your mom in the baptist church (with a little "Can I get a miracle?" thrown in) ... again, I have to say... I wish my mom was as cool as your mom. :)

industry whore said...

i LOVE toe socks. they disturb people because they make your feet look like hands, but i don't care.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Um, what the heck are toe socks?

Rabbit said...

I'll wear anything that allows me to tie little shoelaces without exposing my fingers and risking losing one to the cold.

Velvet said...

Ok, I know this will be emailed to you so, I'm commenting on the Splittens post. Early Dec.

Your dad and I were the only ones to see that Lobster Man show I bet. Eau..that's the first thing I thought of when I saw the splittens.