Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I've been blessed with good jeans

Last week I visited bananarepublic.com and spent a disgusting amount of money on denim -- a purchase made only a bit less profane by the vanity sizing which allows me to wiggle into jeans a full size smaller than I usually wear and zip them without incident. ("Incidents" may include, but are not limited to, broken nail, bruised hipbone, ruptured spleen and/or collapsed fallopian tube.)

Vanity sizing is a bonus, but what made this purchase worth all my lunch money was the style: After years of searching, I had finally tracked down the elusive SAJs -- Spectacular Ass Jeans. (Triumphant sidenote: They don't look so hot on the model 'cause she doesn't fill them out.) I don't know what's in this denim -- maybe it's woven from magical fairy thread on an enchanted loom, or infused with the soul-essence of angels who drop by the Banana Republic manufacturing plant on their way to heaven -- but it creates the illusion of the keister of my dreams: Round and firm, more like a butt double in a J. Lo video than, say, a stand-in for the title character in "James and the Giant Peach."

Upon successful zipping of the new jeans I twisted around before the mirror, gasping at this sublime rear-end that resembled a distant, exotic cousin of my own. In that moment I was stirred by ambivalence -- part guilt, part glee -- which I later recognized as the simultaneous terror and exhiliration that comes from realizing you've just put one over on God. ("What tuchus? The one you bestowed upon me? I have no idea what you're talking about, you must have me confused with my sister. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm needed on the set and Ms. Lopez doesn't like to be kept waiting.")

Maybe God won't smite me for writing this post, but I wouldn't be shocked to wake up tomorrow with a few extra Pounds of Punishment upon my bum. But it's all good! I've got five pairs of SAJs in a size that, even if it isn't honest, makes me feel so very svelte. I plan to rotate them throughout the week again and again and again until the day I die, at which time you may bury me in one pair and line my coffin with the rest because in these jeans I have a Spectacular Ass, and ain't nobody gonna take that away from me.

15 comments:

Carolyn said...

I stumbled on your blog while clicking on the next blog button on the top left of my own blog.

I enjoyed reading your stories, you have a great way of articulating everyday things.

And I gotta get me some of those jeans!!!

industry whore said...

Link to them, please!

AJ Gentile said...

If you'd like to, y'know, post a pic or two, that would be okay.

Just sayin.

Heather B. said...

I bought some great banana jeans a few weeks ago as well. They are fabulous on the ass. I had no idea that they made such awesome jeans.

Kayla said...

I have bought 2 pairs and worship them (actually, they are still in my closet because I am trying to wait for the perfect time and place to wear them... they are that perfect...)... I even went online (like you :)) and tried to buy more pairs.. STOP TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THEM!! They are selling out!! ;)... I don't know why I have ever bothered with any other denim. God bless you, Banana Republic.

Claire said...

Their site is down for maintenance right now, ggrrr. You can be sure I'll be back later to check it out.

And hey, I'm all for vanity sizing as women's sizes vary so much between brands/stores. If it's not going to reflect some actual measurement I can take on my body, why not?

Congrats on the 5 pairs- that's the way to do it if they fit that well.

the deal said...

Okay, I'll be the first (male) doofus to write in with this question..."what's vanity sizing?"

always write said...

Vanity sizing basically means that the store has taken a size X and labeled it as a (smaller) size Y. So while deep down inside I know I'm really a size X, the desperate little voice in my head now has cause to tell me that all that dieting and exercise has payed off and that no, my 30-year-old metabolism has not in fact ground to a halt, because look at that -- I'm back in a size Y, baby! Only it's really a size X.

lb said...

i've never bought any jeans (or actually anything at all) from B.R. but those are cute. there's nothing like the perfect pair of jeans... :)

KOB said...

lol post -- sharply written

Dora said...

Your blogs are excellent...you're style reminds me of one of my favorite funny writers, Janet Evanovich. I've been reading your stuff for a while but never commented...mostly because I can't be anywhere as amusing. Thanks for the quality blogs they are a pleasure to read.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Second Dora. And good jeans rock.

playfulinnc said...

And I wondered how I would spend my birthday Banana Card money.

NOW I KNOW.

I want to be in size S for super sexy, please.

Rabbit said...

The funny thing is that men will say, "What do you mean you need Spectacular Ass Jeans? Your butt looks the same in every pair." They don't understand we don't wear the SAJ for THEM.

'Mazing Amy said...

ha ha ha that is EXACTLY how I feel about my low rise, flared A-pocket Sevens. They INSTANTLY take 15 lbs off and add a foot to your legs!