Saturday, September 24, 2005

step away from the girl and put your hands where I can see 'em

My self-image -- that mental snapshot that illustrates my moods with costumes and scenery -- is always changing. At any given moment I might think myself a sultry songstress; a talentless clod; a lively comedienne; a wet blanket; a temptress; a wallflower; a scholar; a dunce...

Tonight I am a spittin' mad redneck with a shotgun in my fist.

My sister has just acquired her first boyfriend. He is, as they say, "warm for her form." I am out for blood.

I'm considering three avenues of pursuit:

A. The High Road: I could make nice, be all cool and friendly-like and gently persuade the kids to keep their pants on. But coming from The World's Worst Liar (that's me), a promise that "sex isn't all that fun" might only fuel the fire in their adolescent loins. Okay, scratch Plan A.

B. The Low Road: My ex-boyfriend, a homicide prosecutor, would use crime scene photos of traffic fatalities to scare sense into high school students who were learning to drive. Maybe one of my doctor friends could help me employ scare tactics of my own, loan me a few glossy 8x10s from her STD file. Nothing fancy, just the big ones: herpes, gonorrhea, genital warts.

C. Rock Bottom: A few murmured threats... A handshake just a bit too firm... A well-timed raise of the Eyebrow of Terror... I'm just saying, it works for the Gottis.

People sometimes mistake me for the fightin' kind -- my superiors at work send their support staff to ask me for help because they're afraid to come near my office -- but really I'm a pussycat. My temper rarely flares and when it does I stay away from low blows. HOWEVER, with my sister's virtue on the line I will, if necessary, dispatch my inner Mean Girl. A few years ago a classmate spread a nasty rumor about her and sent an e-mail calling her a "bitch and a dirty hore (sic)." We were this close to a "Three O'Clock High" situation until my brother pointed out that the kid weighed 68 pounds, and anyway I'd be at work when school let out for the day. (I jest; I'd never beat a child that didn't belong to me ;)

I'd try to get my brothers involved in this but it wouldn't do much good; They're small, gentle Jewish boys who play chess and listen to Brahms. I'm not saying they'd run away from a fight. I'm saying they'd skate away, on their rollerblades, and leave me to die alone.

So I guess I'm on my own here. If anyone has suggestions that do not involve (a) bodily harm, destruction of property or anything else that could land me in jail, or (b) "doing the right thing" and leaving my sister to make her own decisions because she's old enough to think for herself and I already instilled in her a wealth of knowledge about self-respect and protection and what to do if a boy gets pushy, then do feel free to post them here. Thank you for your support.


Chairborne Stranger said...

Well since you asked, and I am a bit bored, I'll comment on your request:

The fear tactic over STDs (or early pregnancy) works pretty well for a number of people (depending on their personality).

The frank, direct approach is probably your first, best bet--talk to your sister like a bit of an equal, not down to her, and try to share your experiences with her so she doesn't do something that she regrets.

Coming from a home with a couple of brothers and a sister, you may be fighting a losing battle to our own nautral urges--only a very strong willed few stay totally chaste.

Which begs the question--are you trying to keep her from this particular boy, or trying to keep her from having sex? Because if she wants to have sex, then you've probably lost already. Boys and girls do the things that boys and girls do, and sometimes the only hope you have is that they do the necessary things to protect themselves against a poor decision (pregnancy, STDs, etc.).

Boys aren't all bad, but maybe this one is...if the direct approach doesn't work, then discredit his character, if he's a true chump.

However, if he's just a normal young guy, you're probably fighting a losing battle if your sister has already made up her mind that she wants to experience sex. If you stop this guy, there will just be another, and then another, unless you get her married off really soon...and pushing her too hard may drive her right into this guy's arms....

Again just some bored thoughts from a soldier in Iraq with lots of free time to write-I like your blog by the way, I live in DC-great place--hope I didn't intrude...take care...

always write said...

Thanks for your advice. This posting was really just a tongue-in-cheek rant; My sister's a smart girl and I really have taught her to do what's right for her. But it's always helpful to hear someone else's take on the situation; It clues me in to "discussion topics" I might have overlooked before.

Take care of yourself out there. If there's one thing we agree on here it's that we want you all to come home safely.

AJ Gentile said...

Um, dear? He's a TEEN AGED BOY. Of course he's warm for her form.

Your sister is smart. She'll be fine, just like *you* were fine with all those boys who were warm for *your* form.

As we (men) age, we learn to choose a partner based on more than the physical. Intelligence, sense of humor and creativity are important to me.

But if it's going to work, I still to be warm for her form.

Come to think of it, it's been a while since I had a good piece o' form.

DireWolf said...

ebay. chastity belt. pronto.

SMR said...

I miss you as well, D-unit. I know, it's crazy that we're coming up on ten years. Just crazy. And of course you can visit when it gets too cold! Although our last two winters, it's been so rainy, so bring an umbrella! Wow, so you got some really serious advice. LIKE REALLY SERIOUS from some of your responses. So maybe I'll just let it be. :)


Chairborne Stranger said...

Ah, the infamous "tongue-in-cheek rant," my mind was elsewhere-I missed that cue...and I WAS a bit bored at 330 am in Iraq...take care

Eric the Something said...

This is precisely why I live in fear of having daughters. I am afraid of all teenage boys boys I will have to kill or maim.